It's been a while since I had spent a day with my Lord. I had been looking forward to this day, a day I had set aside for Him, just for Him. It begun with soft praises and the latter hours were filled with reading, listening, praying, praising and stillness. My Lord addressed a few heart issues to me, much of which I was aware of but too proud to bring before Him. When the day grew cooler, I decided to go for a walk with my God, and as I strolled down towards the river, the lyrics of the hymn 'Give Me Jesus', began to escape my lips.
When I am all alone, when I am all alone,
Give me Jesus, Give me Jesus,
You can have all this world,
But give me Jesus.
Along the river, I was excited to find a new addition to my small collection of secret places around
I recalled desiring to be able to say at the end of this year, "I have passed", and so, I examined different areas of my life, after each, I tried to say these words. And as I listed the areas, I realized that not once was I able to say it, my tears begun to fall with the realization of my failures throughout the year. "This is the truth, I know you very well my daughter", I heard Him say. I started to question my love for Him. I cried. "I have failed you, my Lord", I told Him.
After a while, I noticed little rings forming in the water, I thought it had started to rain. I lowered myself to have a closer look; much to my surprise I saw little fish. Little blessings, lots of them. I tried to number them but couldn't, there were too many. And swam into view, big fish, I started to count them too but they were also too many, it wasn't possible, so I sat there watching them swim, feeding, then my thoughts drifted back to my God.
How precious also are thy thoughts unto me, O God! how great is the sum of them! If I should count them, they are more in number than the sand: when I awake, I am still with thee. - Psalms 139:17-18
They were not sand, but already they were too many to count. I was humbled before God at this point to know He is an omniscient God who moves with mercy. Though I had failed Him time and time again, He is still with me; His mercy has and will forever endure. I remembered the words of Spurgeon –
It is our weakness that has made room for God to give us such a promise as this. Our sins make room for a Saviour; our frailties make room for the Holy Spirit to correct them; all our wanderings make room for the good Shepherd; that he may seek us and bring us back. We do not love nights, but we do love stars; we do not love weakness, but we do bless God for the promise that is to sustain us in our weakness, we do not admire winter, but we do admire the glittering snow; we must shudder at our own trembling weakness, but we still do bless God that we are weak because it makes room for the display of his own invincible strength in fulfilling such a promise as this. - "As Thy Days, So Shall Thy Strength Be" – C H Spurgeon
Then my Lord led me to remember the Psalms I read earlier in the day -
I will sing of the mercies of the LORD for ever: with my mouth will I make known thy faithfulness to all generations. For I have said, Mercy shall be built up for ever: thy faithfulness shalt thou establish in the very heavens. And the heavens shall praise thy wonders, O LORD: thy faithfulness also in the congregation of the saints. For who in the heaven can be compared unto the LORD? who among the sons of the mighty can be likened unto the LORD? Thou rulest the raging of the sea: when the waves thereof arise, thou stillest them. – Psalms 89:1-2, 5-6, 9
And there I smiled, knowing truth and mercy, my God. I looked down to my left and beside me sat waiting, my Bible and the book 'Pursuit of God'.
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